بقلم: مارك مكديد

ترجمة_ وعد العمران

ما انفكّ يشعُرُ أنّ معضِلتُهُ الوحيدة تَتَأصل بشعورِه ِبالاكتئِاب، لأنّه سلبهُ بقوّةٍ من بينِ الجميع وأنهَشَهُ بلْ وامتصَّ كُلَ لحظةِ فرحٍ شعَرَ بها في حياتِه..، ودائمًا ما كانَ يستهدِفُه ُويتصيّدهُ في كُلِّ زوايا الغُرفِ…

وكلّما جاهدَ أصدِقاؤهُ باحتِواءِهِ .. نَفَرَ منهُم وتفاقمَ شعُورَهُ بالاكتِئابِ لأنهُ بالمقابِلِ يشعُر أنّهُم ينزِعُونَهُ ويُجروّنه بعيدًا عنْ عالمِه الصّغِير.. بينما يفترِضُ أن يُساعدَ نفسهُ بنفسِه ويخرِجُ مِنْ قوقَعَتِهِ بِمُجاهَدَتِه .. وجُلُّ ما يُفكّرُ بهِ هوَ أنّهم غيرُ مُجبَرينَ على تحمُلّهِ ثم هجْرِه بعدَ كشفِ السّتارِ عمّا بِداخِلِه .. تارِكِينَهُ خلفَهُم راضيًا بِفِكرةِ أنّه لمْ يَعُد يثقِلُ كاهِلَهُم..

يَتُوقُ للعودَةِ إلى منْزِلهِ، ذلك الملاذُ الذي يحتَوِيِه ليَنغَمِسَ بأفكَارِهِ السّوداويةِ المُتَمَحوِرَةِ حولَ طريقَةِ تجَاهُلَهم له ..،  مُتحيرًا ومُنفصلاً عنهم..، دائِمًا مَا كانَ يتدرّعُ بحِسِّ الفُكاهةِ ليَختبِئ خلْفَهَا ولَكِن لمْ يعُد مُرتاحًا لأنها غَدَتْ ذرِيعَةً يستخدِمُها للهُرُوبِ مِن حقِيقتِهِ .. وبِتعرّيه من الصّدق، ستَقِفُ مَشَاكِلهُ كالجِدارِ أمامَ سعادةِ مَنْ حولَهُ .. فما عليهِ إلا أنّ يتوسّد الصّمت بوجهٍ عبوسٍ وجبينٍ مُتجعّد ويظلّ على حالته..

The Problem

Mark McDaid

But the problem lay not so much in the problem itself but in the problems that he felt about his depression. It wasn’t just that he was depressed, it was that he was therefore depressing, towards himself and all those around him. Sucking the life out of every happy moment, projecting an arcing aurora of negative energy in a kind of reverse feng-shui as he sulked and skulked about in the corners of rooms

His friends tried to include him as best they could, but this only made him feel more depressed, because they were the ones making the effort to drag this morbid, succourless husk out of his own little world, when it was him who should be making the effort. Why should they have to put up with him, me, he thought, and though they would eventually give up the ghost, leaving him content that they no longer felt him burdening them, he would arrive home to contemplate with disdain the way in which he felt left out, out of touch, disconnected, misunderstood

Humour used to be a good defensive mechanism, but as soon as he had become aware of being a defense mechanism he no longer felt comfortable using it. Better to face up to the facts than employ a deflective irony. But with nothing with which to deflect, and a now acute awareness that honesty about troubles would only be a burden upon the clearly happy and content people around him, he could only remain gravely silent, a furrowed brow christening his chastened pout.

And so he would remain, until.

Mark McDaid